Cain's Brain

I Take Requests #1

February 3rd, 2011
By Cain
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The Lost Art of Video Game Covers

January 28th, 2011
By Cain
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For a minute, let’s forget about discussing the evolution of video games. People need to start talking about the transformation of video game box art.

Let’s rewind. It’s 1991 — I’m 6-years old. I still have hair. Life consists of the 1st grade, Sunny D, baseball, attempting to do the impossible and touch the top of the door frame in our living room, Ninja Turtles, TGIF, and video games. Anything else is irrelevant.

I remember walking with my parents through the Hawthorne Mall (which, by the way, I swear still needs to be re-opened) and convincing them to take us to KB Toys. I’d walk by the video game display and would have absolutely no idea what I was looking for. There was no way of knowing which of the games before me were awesome, and which were awful. There was no ability to go into Google, type in “top 10 NES video games”, and use that to determine what I’d buy. The closest thing we had was Nintendo Power — and I assure you, there was no way in hell my dad was going to spend money on a magazine subscription that would enable what he likely deemed was an addiction, slowly rotting my brain.

Nintendo Power – Reader’s Digest for Kids

I essentially walked into this store, knowing absolutely nothing. I had no idea what the new releases were. I had no clue which game was the top seller, which games were highly recommended by professional reviewers, or any idea about future releases. I could stand in front of this window into 6-year-old heaven, staring for hours at all the fresh, shiny boxes, trying to figure out what I wanted. If my parents bought me a game, I knew I wouldn’t get a new one for months — so it had better be good. So how did a young kid decide which game he wanted to take home?

Simple. The box art.

When the NES first came out, box art likely wasn’t as important, considering the limited number of games available to the public. Older games could simply blow up an image of the in-game graphics, slap it over a solid color background, and you were set. You’d see something like this and know exactly what type of game you were in for:

No surprises here.

Over time (and after the market was flooded with a large number of NES games), box art needed to stand out to sell a game. It’s my bet that box art became the biggest tool for game advertisement – the better the art, the better the game sold. I imagine entire advertisement departments were dedicated to box art development.

Funny thing, though — I’d also wager that, at first, there was a huge disconnect between the artists hired for the box art and the game’s developers. For example, we’ve all played Mega Man (and if you haven’t, punch yourself). Basic premise of the game: set in the future, an android runs around shooting enemies with his robotic gun-arm thingy. The result?

Yes, that’s supposed to be Mega Man.

I don’t know about you, but if you actually played the game, this is probably not what you imagined Mega Man looked like. It’s like some Native American was transported into a computer and teamed up with Tron. Or as my friend put it, it “looks like an autistic kid drew that with only three colored pencils.” Well put. That being said, as a 6-year old kid looking through the display case at a toy story, this probably triggers all the “do-whatever-it-takes-to-get-your-parents-to-buy-this” parts of your brain.

Sure, you had your cute platformers that didn’t require ultra-realistic artwork to get their point across. However, it seemed that many companies wanted to give the impression that you were taking control of powerful heroes. You weren’t playing a game, you were saving a freakin’ planet. You were no child … you were a MAN. And really, what better way to create this feeling in your customers than by hiring Fabio to pose as the protagonist of the video game. Ohhh, you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not:

I’d bet moms bought this game in droves.

It’s hard to imagine some celebrity posing as the main character in some video game. But this is what used to sell video games.

However, games evolved just about as quickly as the technology they were using. Along with this change in technology, there was a change in attitude. Video games were no longer quick distractions made for kids; instead, they became stories in which the player was integral to the story. There’s no longer this need to focus on the box art when the entire game itself is a work of art. What’s more, now that the internet is everywhere, we know what we want as soon as we walk into the store. Hell, we all want things before we even know what they are or what they can do (I’m looking at you, Apple fanatics).

Box art just isn’t as important and, quite frankly, it shows. Compare the two items below — Bionic Commando for the NES vs. Bionic Commando for the PS3:

NES Version vs PS3 Version of Bionic Commando

The image on the left just screams at you — THIS GAME IS BADASS. There’s a story being told, and it makes me want to know more. The picture on the right, on the other hand, just makes me think that the game I’m about to buy stars a metrosexual with nice hair and a microwave for an arm. Great drawing, sure. But it doesn’t say anything.

I think it’s fantastic where games are today. But a little part of me can’t help but be nostalgic for a time when I’d stand in front of a glass display, admiring all the work that went into selling a game.

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Not the Father

January 24th, 2011
By Cain
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Spooning leads to forking. Forking leads to sporking.

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Choosing the Right Gift (A Christmas Guide for Men)

December 17th, 2010
By Cain
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Women: it’s no secret that men are horrible at shopping for the right gift. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have created a hard-nosed, testosterone-fueled breed of warriors, leaders, athletes, hunters, fighters, meat-eaters … pretty much the people responsible for all the cool (and horrible) stuff in the world. If our evolutionary lineage caused us to become fantastic gift shoppers, I’m 99.9999% sure that we’d be ruled by our lion overlords at this very moment.

So yeah, you really can’t blame us. The next time your boyfriend / husband / father takes Chuck Norris’s advice and gives you the Total Gym for Christmas, be sure to smile and thank him.

chuck totalgym Choosing the Right Gift (A Christmas Guide for Men)

Merry Christmas.

That being said, we also know that hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have created a hard-nosed, estrogen-fueled breed of women who ignore logic and will pretty much hate you for the rest of your miserable life for ruining their Christmas by buying a horrible gift. As men, we understand this. There’s no way of getting around it, and year after year we cringe at the thought of trying to read the female mind.

Well this year, you’re in luck, fellas.

I present you with the Christmas Guide for Men!

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After years of research and thousands of man-hours, I’ve put together this guide to help both you and me choose the right gift. It’s very easy to use — determine your current status on the left, find the check mark within an appropriate gift category, and get to shopping. Here are some findings from our research:

Christmas Guide for Men

1. Feces, when presented appropriately, is a perfect gift for that special enemy and/or ex-wife.

2. Never buy perfume for a female friend. She will read this gift as a message from you stating one of two things: (a) “I think you stink” or (b) “I want to be more than just friends.”

3. A pearl necklace is the only acceptable gift for a friend with benefits (thus the yes / no in the jewelry category). Other than this, no gifts whatsoever are to be exchanged. Noncompliance with this rule will only lead to commitment.

4. A car is rarely, if ever, an appropriate gift. Buying a car for your wife is the only possibility and, even then, this is iffy. Proceed with caution.

5. If you have been in a relationship for more than ten years, do not buy her any gifts. You will never marry her. Save your money and cut your losses.

6. A gift card redeemable for sexy time is surprisingly effective.

7. A house is never an appropriate gift. It will only serve as a reminder of how stupid you were for thinking your relationship could outlast a house. There are houses standing from the 1700s. Just don’t.

8. Gifts decrease at an exponential rate when in a relationship, while expectations for gifts grow inversely. (credit to Steve O for this one)

Men, I truly hope that this provides some relief when out shopping this holiday season.

If not, may God help us all.

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