Gym farts are the worst.

When I’m at the gym, there’s honestly nothing that pisses me off more than a silent sneaker wafting around, produced by some anonymous individual.  I mean, I know you’re straining and stressing when lifting weights, but it’s pretty damn easy to hold it in.

I went to the gym the other day and was laying out on an inclined bench doing some chest exercises.  There were a couple of other dudes around, minding their own business, too.  The fan was on.  Weights were clanking.  Things were fine.

Suddenly, some girl decides to grab a bench and place it about 2 feet behind my head.  “Whatever, she’s not in my way,” I thought, as she decided she would be doing some sit-ups.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, my nose was karate-chopped by the worst, foulest, gag-inducing, smelliest fart I’ve ever experienced.  If Hitler and Helen Thomas were to have a baby together, and that baby were to take a dump on your head, it probably wouldn’t even smell this bad.

My energy was literally drained.  The weights were impossible.  I looked around and saw all the other guys making “holy-shit-that-stinks” faces.  I think at one point, my heart could have quite possibly stopped (though, I can’t verify this, as this could have been a side effect of the Hitler-Thomas fart).

Now, this may not have been AS bad if the girl was at a reasonable distance from me.  Unfortunately, like I said, she was sitting about 2 feet from my head.  I’m almost positive that shit-particles found their way onto my face.  Unbelievable.  The icing on the cake?  This wretched anus of a woman was blushing like crazy, but that didn’t stop her from looking around and trying to draw everyone’s attention to her, just so she could also make the “holy-shit-that-stinks” face as if to say, “Oh, wow, do you all smell that?”

YES.  OF COURSE WE SMELL IT.  IT’S YOU.  YOUR ANUS.  WIND COMING FROM YOUR SPHINCTER.

Gym farts are the worst.