Women: it’s no secret that men are horrible at shopping for the right gift.  Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have created a hard-nosed, testosterone-fueled breed of warriors, leaders, athletes, hunters, fighters, meat-eaters … pretty much the people responsible for all the cool (and horrible) stuff in the world.  If our evolutionary lineage caused us to become fantastic gift shoppers, I’m 99.9999% sure that we’d be ruled by our lion overlords at this very moment.

So yeah, you really can’t blame us.  The next time your boyfriend / husband / father takes Chuck Norris’s advice and gives you the Total Gym for Christmas, be sure to smile and thank him.

Merry Christmas.

That being said, we also know that hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have created a hard-nosed, estrogen-fueled breed of women who ignore logic and will pretty much hate you for the rest of your miserable life for ruining their Christmas by buying a horrible gift.  As men, we understand this.  There’s no way of getting around it, and year after year we cringe at the thought of trying to read the female mind.

Well this year, you’re in luck, fellas.

I present you with the Christmas Guide for Men!

Click the picture for better quality!

After years of research and thousands of man-hours, I’ve put together this guide to help both you and me choose the right gift.  It’s very easy to use — determine your current status on the left, find the check mark within an appropriate gift category, and get to shopping.  Here are some findings from our research:

Christmas Guide for Men

1.  Feces, when presented appropriately, is a perfect gift for that special enemy and/or ex-wife.

2.  Never buy perfume for a female friend.  She will read this gift as a message from you stating one of two things: (a) “I think you stink” or (b) “I want to be more than just friends.”

3.  A pearl necklace is the only acceptable gift for a friend with benefits (thus the yes / no in the jewelry category).  Other than this, no gifts whatsoever are to be exchanged.  Noncompliance with this rule will only lead to commitment.

4.  A car is rarely, if ever, an appropriate gift.  Buying a car for your wife is the only possibility and, even then, this is iffy.  Proceed with caution.

5.  If you have been in a relationship for more than ten years, do not buy her any gifts.  You will never marry her.  Save your money and cut your losses.

6.  A gift card redeemable for sexy time is surprisingly effective.

7.  A house is never an appropriate gift.  It will only serve as a reminder of how stupid you were for thinking your relationship could outlast a house.  There are houses standing from the 1700s.  Just don’t.

8.  Gifts decrease at an exponential rate when in a relationship, while expectations for gifts grow inversely. (credit to Steve O for this one)

Men, I truly hope that this provides some relief when out shopping this holiday season.

If not, may God help us all.

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