Had I known that it would take longer to download an e-book from Barnes & Noble than it would to actually read the real thing, I’d probably just give up reading.

As I write this, I’m currently on hold with the B&N customer support (it’s been 15 minutes), listening to their cheesy music that sounds like it was written for Sonic the Hedgehog.  Of course, since Sonic was known for his super-speed, this music is definitely not well-received.

Ok, don’t get me wrong.  The Nook is freakin’ sweet.  It looks fantastic and feels great.  When my girlfriend told me she bought one for me as a Christmas gift, I was overjoyed!  The problem, however, seems to be that there’s nothing in place to support this thing.  It’s as if someone at B&N said, “Hey you, Pretty Lady, design an e-reader for me that looks great!”  And she did.  And they sold it.  And 1,837,028,028 people bought one.  After which, they realized, “Aw crap, we forgot to support this thing!”

Here’s a timeline of today’s Nook-related events:

9:20 am:  Log in to UPS tracking, see”Out for Delivery” as status.  Excitement Level:  6.

12:00 pm:  Eat lunch.  Think of Nook.  Think of eating lunch, while reading Nook.  Excitement Level:  8.

2:04 pm:  UPS man shows up, hands over package from B&N.  Excitement Level:  9.

2:06 pm:  Unpack Nook from packaging and finally hold it in my hands.  Excitement Level:  10.

2:15 pm:  Attempt to connect to Wi-Fi network to register.  Registration fails.  Excitement Level:  8.5.

5:25 pm:  Get home from work.  Connect to home network to register.  Registration successful.  Excitement Level:  9.

5:30 pm:  Attempt to purchase e-book.  Purchase fails.  Excitement Level:  7.

5:32 pm:  Attempt #2 to purchase e-book.  Purchase succeeds.  Excitement Level:  9.

5:35 pm:  Attempt to download e-book.  Receive message:  Queued: Will complete shortly.  “Shortly” turns into 45 minutes of nothing.  Excitement Level:  4.

6:35 pm:  Call Barnes & Noble customer support and am forwarded to Technical Department.  Placed on hold.  Excitement Level:  2.

6:36 pm:  Girlfriend, with the saddest and most disappointed look on her face, tells me that she can always return the Nook.  Excitement Level:  -20.

6:40 pm:  Download status changes to 10%.  Still on hold.  Excitement Level:  Hesitant 3.

6:50:  Download status still at 10%.  Still on hold.  Excitement Level:  -5.

7:00:  Remaining 90% of download completes in less than 1 minute.  Confusion.  Still on hold with customer support.  Excitement Level:  4.

7:16:  Current status.  Typing out this post.  Still on hold.  Sonic the Hedgehog reference made, which admittedly makes me a little excited.  Excitement Level:  5 + 2 (Sonic Bonus).

So yes.  I don’t know what the issue is, but it seems Barnes & Noble doesn’t think it’s a big deal that their system sucks.  All I know is that it took me about an hour to download my first e-book, and that as of 7:24 pm, I’m still on hold.  And I gotta take a leak.

Screw this, I’m hanging up.

Before I begin this post, here are a couple of formulas that I’m sure are mathematically and scientifically sound:

HP Customer Support + Customer Issue = Fail

Defective Merchendise + Request for Exchange = Waste of Customer Time + Waste of Customer Money + Frustration + Loss of Future Customer(s)

HP Greed > HP’s Desire for Customer Satisfaction

Our department at work recently ordered the HP Touchsmart tx2z, a fantastic little machine that, when working, is absolutely stunning.  You can only imagine our excitement when the laptop was delivered to our office.

I opened up the box, took out the laptop, pressed the on button…

Fan turns on.  Keyboard lights blink.  Blink.  Blink.  Blink.  Nothing.

Turns out, HP delivered a defective laptop.  Bummer, but no worries, since I’ve heard great things about HP’s customer support.  Sure enough, I’m on the phone with a technician for a while, trying out different solutions, none of which get this thing to boot up for more than 5 minutes.  Give the man credit, he actually knew what he was talking about and really did help try to find out SOME solution.  However, after about an hour of trying, the laptop just decides it doesn’t want to read the HD anymore.

After having the laptop in our possession for a little more than 2 hours, it was already heading back to be repaired.  Turns out, it needed a new HD.

I’m sure you can understand my frustration when discovering that this machine your department has paid over $1000 for was DOA.  You would THINK that HP actually tests the machine prior to shipping it out in case that, well, you know, something might actually be WRONG.  But alas, they did not.

Fast forward: one week later.  We receive the repaired laptop.  I turn it on…

Fan turns on.  Blink.  Blink.  Boot!

Whoo hoo!  It’s working!  Install programs needed for work, such as the Novell client, Office, etc.  Everything is great.  Life is good.  Well, within 4 hours, the laptop suddenly decides it has no webcam.  Oh, but the best part?  The touchscreen laptop suddenly decides that, hey, it doesn’t have a touchscreen, either.  Oh, everything else is just working dandy.  But no touchscreen, and no webcam.

There is nothing worse than a laptop telling you it has no touchscreen / webcam when you’re staring right AT the touchscreen / webcam.  Driver issue?  Software issue?  I do all the logical tests.  Re-install drivers.  Did a full system recovery.

Nope.  Not working.  Rather than trying the repair center again, I decided we might as well exchange the entire unit for a new laptop, since we don’t know what the next thing on this unit to crap out will be.  And here’s where the fun begins.

Real Conversation w/HP Agent:

Me:  Hi.  This is the second time I’m calling within about a week.  The day we received the laptop, it was broken.  We had to send it in to get repaired, which it was.  Unfortunately, it decided to breakdown again a couple of hours after receiving the “repaired” item.  I think we need to exchange this, as it seems the entire unit is defective.

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK ::  Ok, well, it seems as though we can get another unit built on June 19th.

Me:  Wait a minute.  We ordered this machine on May 12.  We need this for our projects at work.  We already lost a week of time because HP sent us a defective unit.  You’re telling me we have to wait practically another MONTH to get a replacement for an item HP failed to fix?

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK ::  Ok, well, actually, the way it works, we will send you a box.  You’ll ship the laptop back to us.  When we receive it, we will start building the new one.

Me:  No.  That’s ridiculous!  How long will it take for you to ship out a box to us?

Agent:  About two days.

Me:  How long will it take for you to receive the shipment?

Agent:  About two days.

Me:  So what you’re saying, then, is that HP has essentially wasted a full week of our business’s time simply b/c they sent us a defective product in the first place?

Agent:  (Silence)

Me:  And that’s not even including the time it would take to build a new unit and send it out!  I’ve worked with several other companies before that have shipped an item w/o having to wait for the defective item to return.  Send a box and I can ship the laptop back, but you guys should start building the new unit already.

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK :: Well, actually, there is another option we can do.  We can start production for a new laptop on June 12th.  However, this will be a new order, so we will charge your credit card again.  Once we receive the defective unit, we will give you a refund for that purchase.

Me:  What??  First off, June 12th is practically two weeks from now.  I needed the unit, like, last week.  Second, charge the CC again?  Why should we be penalized with another charge on our card just because you guys have screwed up?  You know what, let me talk to my IT department.  Chances are, they will simply want a refund.  Maybe we’ll just get a Dell, instead.  Sure, it may not be as nice, but hey, at least it will WORK.  I’ll call back later when we decide what to do.

Omg.

I simply decided I’d call the repair center again.  I asked that they replace ALL parts (HD, motherboard, memory, webcam, etc.) since it’s apparent that just about everything seems to be failing on this machine.  Turnaround time?  4-5 business days.

Hey HP, want to know what the funny thing is?  I could probably have the system rebuilt, with HP parts, under warranty, by a third party who has to order each part from HP, in 30% of the time you quoted.

Only conclusion I can make: I’m glad this was a work laptop, and not a personal purchase.  Will I ever buy something from HP?  Based on this experience, probably only if I want something that doesn’t work and don’t care that it takes 2 months to receive the order.

One thing I’ve always wanted to get involved with is photography.

I genuinely enjoy taking pictures, but I hate the small digital cameras.  Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because I tend to drop them often, or the fact that their quality is not as great as an SLR, or because I’ve been scarred from my first experience of owning one (it was a 2.x megapixel piece of low-quality, mega-shitty, ultra-trash-like, inanimate piece of plastic filth).  But I just don’t like ‘em.  I’d rather get an SLR (one of those nifty Nikon ones, ooooo), but those things are expensive as all hell.  So yeah, I’m in quite a pickle.

Interestingly enough, I Googled “in a pickle” and saw this picture:

Ok, anyways, I think a goal for myself this year will be to purchase an SLR.  I’d like to start some personal portfolio of the various things I see on an everyday basis, because 10 years from now, I’m almost positive the small things and everyday people will leave big impressions.  So I want to remember them.

I still remember the first time we got internet at our house.  I turned on my sweet Windows 95 computer and opened up America Online (back before it got too cool for school and became “AOL” … bastards).  Some yellow dude pretended to run on the screen, my PC made a weird eeeee-ooooo-krrrrrrr-weeeeeee-boop sound, shut up for a second, and then some guy told me: “Welcome.  You’ve got mail.”

I was living in a 56k world of glory.

It was so revolutionary.  Sure, my cousins lived across the street — I could just walk over, knock on their door and say hi.  But no.  Being able to sit in my chair, send a message and realize that, HOLY CRAP, I was actually talking to them through my computer! … that was crazy.  In fact, I still remember the first IM I sent:

“Hey, go to your window and look out!”

My cousin did.  It confirmed it.  They got my message.  Un-freaking-believable.

Well…now I’m living in a new technological world.  The world of unlimited texting.  Do you know how awesome unlimited texting is?  If you don’t, it’s probably because you don’t have it, and thus, fail at life.

Honestly, there is nothing better than sending a text to a friend saying, “You’re gay.” and not having to worry about the 5 cents that cost you.  Nope.

Thus, I present you with a timeline of the most important things ever invented in the history of mankind.

1. 105 AD – Paper (the ancestor to our beloved TP)
2. 800s AD – Gunpowder (imagine a world where nothing blew up … depressing, isn’t it?)
3. 1830s – Racing Lawnmower (dude, how cool is that?)
4. 1913 – The Crossword (Sudoku’s great-grandfather)
5. 1923 – TV (without which, there would be no Sportscenter)
6. 200x or Whenever my plan says it started – Unlimited Texting

Yes.