Dear Al Davis:

Let’s be frank.  We both know that nobody with any connection to the NFL is interested in becoming the coach of your team.  Why?  It’s simple — these guys are selfish nobodies who only care about the most trivial things, like winning games, drafting decent players, maintaining a good sports ethic, and other concerns that in no way lead to the development of an NFL-caliber team.  Forget about them.  Chumps.

In contrast, I know what it takes to bring back the Raider spark.  I understand and share your values, or lack thereof.  Thus, I have prepared a list of some reasons why I feel I am qualified to become the next coach of the Oakland Raiders:

Reasons Why I’m Qualified to Coach the Oakland Raiders

1.  I have a mean left hook.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

2.  Other than backyard pickup games, I’ve never been on a football team, nor have I ever dedicated myself to learning the sport.  In other words, I can relate to Jamarcus Russell (see below).  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

3.  I lost both hands in a work-related accident, and therefore have no fingers upon which to put Super Bowl rings.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

4.  I tend to hate MVP quarterbacks who led our team to victory in the past.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

5.  I would never pass up the opportunity to draft a drunk and disorderly kicker in the 1st round of the NFL Draft (see below).  NEVER.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

6.  With respect to #5, if a talented young kick holder were available, we may have to take him into consideration.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

7.  My crazy old grandfather is a blast.  You and I would get along just fine.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

8.  While most coaches work hard to earn a Super Bowl trophy, I work hard to have my post-game press conferences end up on Coors Light commercials.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

9.  I respect Senior Executive John Herrera.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

10.  I like the Chargers, and love to see them win.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

11.  I can get my team to play 2 to 3 quarters of tough, competitive football.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

12.  I am an admirer of Mother Nature, and seeing the bright, yellow flags falling upon the luscious green field reminds me of just how beautiful our world can be.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

13.  In the spirit of the Black Hole, I inspire to have our games “Blacked Out “on local networks.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

14.  In 10 years, I feel Brett Favre will be a great asset to this team.  As a running-back.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

15.  I inspire to never have our games on Monday Night Football, seeing as how Jon Gruden is an announcer, and I feel that guy is a good-for-nothing douche.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

16.  Generally, I only plan on staying at a position for one year before moving on, two years at most.  This qualifies me to coach the Raiders.

Thank you for your consideration.

Respectfully,

Future Raiders Coach

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For those of you reading this, feel free to send in more reasons why you think you’re capable of coaching the Raiders.  And if you’re on Twitter, get the trend ” #aldavisshouldhireme ” going.

It’s great and all that Obama put some effort in trying to push for a Chicago win, but for the media to suddenly paint it as “Oh, Chicago will win because of Obama’s greatness and awesomness!” is dumb for two reasons:

1. Chicago’s bid should win on its own merit, not because Obama + Oprah say it should.

2. Painting it as Obama’s Olympics is great for him if Chicago wins, but it sucks for him if Chicago loses.  Chicago lost.  Now people will blame Obama (whether it was his fault or not), and the media will have to eat its words.

Chicago: no Olympics for you!  St. Louis Cards fans: rejoice!

Al, please go.  Thanks.