Before I begin this post, here are a couple of formulas that I’m sure are mathematically and scientifically sound:

HP Customer Support + Customer Issue = Fail

Defective Merchendise + Request for Exchange = Waste of Customer Time + Waste of Customer Money + Frustration + Loss of Future Customer(s)

HP Greed > HP’s Desire for Customer Satisfaction

Our department at work recently ordered the HP Touchsmart tx2z, a fantastic little machine that, when working, is absolutely stunning.  You can only imagine our excitement when the laptop was delivered to our office.

I opened up the box, took out the laptop, pressed the on button…

Fan turns on.  Keyboard lights blink.  Blink.  Blink.  Blink.  Nothing.

Turns out, HP delivered a defective laptop.  Bummer, but no worries, since I’ve heard great things about HP’s customer support.  Sure enough, I’m on the phone with a technician for a while, trying out different solutions, none of which get this thing to boot up for more than 5 minutes.  Give the man credit, he actually knew what he was talking about and really did help try to find out SOME solution.  However, after about an hour of trying, the laptop just decides it doesn’t want to read the HD anymore.

After having the laptop in our possession for a little more than 2 hours, it was already heading back to be repaired.  Turns out, it needed a new HD.

I’m sure you can understand my frustration when discovering that this machine your department has paid over $1000 for was DOA.  You would THINK that HP actually tests the machine prior to shipping it out in case that, well, you know, something might actually be WRONG.  But alas, they did not.

Fast forward: one week later.  We receive the repaired laptop.  I turn it on…

Fan turns on.  Blink.  Blink.  Boot!

Whoo hoo!  It’s working!  Install programs needed for work, such as the Novell client, Office, etc.  Everything is great.  Life is good.  Well, within 4 hours, the laptop suddenly decides it has no webcam.  Oh, but the best part?  The touchscreen laptop suddenly decides that, hey, it doesn’t have a touchscreen, either.  Oh, everything else is just working dandy.  But no touchscreen, and no webcam.

There is nothing worse than a laptop telling you it has no touchscreen / webcam when you’re staring right AT the touchscreen / webcam.  Driver issue?  Software issue?  I do all the logical tests.  Re-install drivers.  Did a full system recovery.

Nope.  Not working.  Rather than trying the repair center again, I decided we might as well exchange the entire unit for a new laptop, since we don’t know what the next thing on this unit to crap out will be.  And here’s where the fun begins.

Real Conversation w/HP Agent:

Me:  Hi.  This is the second time I’m calling within about a week.  The day we received the laptop, it was broken.  We had to send it in to get repaired, which it was.  Unfortunately, it decided to breakdown again a couple of hours after receiving the “repaired” item.  I think we need to exchange this, as it seems the entire unit is defective.

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK ::  Ok, well, it seems as though we can get another unit built on June 19th.

Me:  Wait a minute.  We ordered this machine on May 12.  We need this for our projects at work.  We already lost a week of time because HP sent us a defective unit.  You’re telling me we have to wait practically another MONTH to get a replacement for an item HP failed to fix?

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK ::  Ok, well, actually, the way it works, we will send you a box.  You’ll ship the laptop back to us.  When we receive it, we will start building the new one.

Me:  No.  That’s ridiculous!  How long will it take for you to ship out a box to us?

Agent:  About two days.

Me:  How long will it take for you to receive the shipment?

Agent:  About two days.

Me:  So what you’re saying, then, is that HP has essentially wasted a full week of our business’s time simply b/c they sent us a defective product in the first place?

Agent:  (Silence)

Me:  And that’s not even including the time it would take to build a new unit and send it out!  I’ve worked with several other companies before that have shipped an item w/o having to wait for the defective item to return.  Send a box and I can ship the laptop back, but you guys should start building the new unit already.

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK :: Well, actually, there is another option we can do.  We can start production for a new laptop on June 12th.  However, this will be a new order, so we will charge your credit card again.  Once we receive the defective unit, we will give you a refund for that purchase.

Me:  What??  First off, June 12th is practically two weeks from now.  I needed the unit, like, last week.  Second, charge the CC again?  Why should we be penalized with another charge on our card just because you guys have screwed up?  You know what, let me talk to my IT department.  Chances are, they will simply want a refund.  Maybe we’ll just get a Dell, instead.  Sure, it may not be as nice, but hey, at least it will WORK.  I’ll call back later when we decide what to do.

Omg.

I simply decided I’d call the repair center again.  I asked that they replace ALL parts (HD, motherboard, memory, webcam, etc.) since it’s apparent that just about everything seems to be failing on this machine.  Turnaround time?  4-5 business days.

Hey HP, want to know what the funny thing is?  I could probably have the system rebuilt, with HP parts, under warranty, by a third party who has to order each part from HP, in 30% of the time you quoted.

Only conclusion I can make: I’m glad this was a work laptop, and not a personal purchase.  Will I ever buy something from HP?  Based on this experience, probably only if I want something that doesn’t work and don’t care that it takes 2 months to receive the order.

If I could make millions of dollars by wearing eyeliner (or I guess the term is “guy-liner” when a dude uses it), dressing in all black and playing power chords over and over, I’d be Green Day.

I mean, seriously.  I used to like these guys.  Kerplunk! was pretty good.  Dookie was the best … I remember rocking out to that CD, and I was only like 10 years old.  Insomniac and Nimrod — decent, and the only reason I like Warning was that it reminds me of high school.

So what the hell happened?

I mean, seriously.  These guys used to look just fine:

Back in the 90s, you’d see a punk band, and you’d see this.  It was expected.  But at some point, people decided that it would be a good idea to start dressing up like ridiculously-douchey douchebags.  No no, I’m talking MASSIVE quantities of douche.  When in the hell did Green Day decide that it was fine for 58 year old punk rockers (wait, how old are they again?) to throw on some clothes that tell the world, “Hey, guess what!  I slit my wrists!”

I mean…are you kidding me?  Are you serious, Billy Joe?  I mean, first off, for a guy to have such a badass name as Billy Joe, I expect you to be wearing some Levi’s, a torn-up t-shirt, possibly sporting yourself some suspenders … all while replacing your 65 Mustang’s engine using only a fork and dental floss.  It is a travesty to the Official Man-Name Laws and Regulations for you to walk around with such a name.  I’m officially demoting you.  I’m calling you Topanga from now on.  Yes, Topanga (like from Boy Meets World):

Green Day sucks.  I’m so pissed off at just how much you guys suck that I can’t even finish this post.

Dude, OJ made me crack up in this movie. He should’ve stuck to acting instead of…you know…killing and kidnapping folks. Hahaha, freakin’ Det. Nordberg — what else will you do?!

One thing I’ve always wanted to get involved with is photography.

I genuinely enjoy taking pictures, but I hate the small digital cameras.  Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because I tend to drop them often, or the fact that their quality is not as great as an SLR, or because I’ve been scarred from my first experience of owning one (it was a 2.x megapixel piece of low-quality, mega-shitty, ultra-trash-like, inanimate piece of plastic filth).  But I just don’t like ‘em.  I’d rather get an SLR (one of those nifty Nikon ones, ooooo), but those things are expensive as all hell.  So yeah, I’m in quite a pickle.

Interestingly enough, I Googled “in a pickle” and saw this picture:

Ok, anyways, I think a goal for myself this year will be to purchase an SLR.  I’d like to start some personal portfolio of the various things I see on an everyday basis, because 10 years from now, I’m almost positive the small things and everyday people will leave big impressions.  So I want to remember them.

Benediction at Obama’s inauguration, Rev. Joseph Lowery: ‘Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in the back, when brown can stick around… when the red man can get ahead man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen. Say Amen’…

One thing that never ceases to amuse me is the fact that you can be outright racist to whites, and they simply won’t give a damn.  I mean, DAMN!  Maybe it’s white guilt or something.  Can you imagine if, for example, McCain had won and a white pastor told America to pray for the day when “whites keep playing it right, browns keep gettin’ down, reds keep gettin’ ahead, and blacks cut back on the attacks” (or something along those lines).  Haha, damn, that would be insane — even I would say, “Damn, that shit is RACIST.”  As my friend said (who shall remain anonymous), “When an issue has absolutely nothing to do with race, leave it to a minority to make it all about race.”

It will definitely be an interesting four years.  I’m positive that I will be called a racist for not agreeing with Obama’s positions on various issues.  That’s the way people are running with their arguments right now — agree with him or you’re racist.  I could care less if someone thinks I’m racist, to be honest.  I know I’m not — I just hold people accountable based on what I see, what I read, what I hear, what I learn, etc. (regardless of whether you’re white, black, brown, red, purple, or shiny pink).

For instance, I had an interesting conversation the other day, where I wondered out loud why UC Berkeley didn’t have a jumbotron on Sproul to celebrate the 2004 Bush inauguration (whether it be the first one or second one).  I figured both events (Bush / Obama inaugurations) were both important-enough historical events to merit a viewing.  In fact, I feel ANY presidential inauguration is a historic event, regardless of which candidate emerges the victor.  In the many years of American history, only 43 men have held the title of “President of the United States.”  Thus, it is pretty impressive when we get to witness such an event.

I was then told it was stupid to even consider having such an event for Bush, because it was not at all a historical event.  However, it was definitely right for Obama considering he was the first black man to become President.  Well, I said, I think they should’ve had it for both.  Sure, it’s definitely an historical event to witness the first black man taking his oath of office, but I thought both were still historic.  If the fact that Obama is half-black makes this one that much more historic, then so be it.  But my argument stood — both were still historic.

Unsurprisingly, I was shouted down, told I was wrong, and ALMOST (I could sense it happening) about to be called a racist.  Like I said — in the near future, it will simply be “agree or be viewed as racist.”  The way I see it — I hope Obama does well, to be honest.  If he does well, the country does well.  States do well.  Cities do well.  The people do well.  We do well.  I do well.  However, I hope very many of his policies die a fast death.  There’s a difference between not liking a man and not liking his policies.

I’ll keep living life.  In my eyes, nothing much has changed.  I’ll still keep my eye on the news.  I’ll still have fun.  Life goes on.

By the way, this made my day.  Today’s “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” excerpt:

WHITE POO:  Sometimes occurring after consumption of barium (the chalky stuff you drink before getting an X-ray or CT scan), white, or albino-looking, poo can also be caused by a blockage in the bile ducts or by various types of liver disease.  This poo is rare and typically develops slowly over weeks (sometimes with a simultaneous darkening of the urine).  When it comes to poo, white is not right, and a visit to your doctor is a must.

Hahahah, perfect timing for that one!

Life’s a cycle of repeated events, experienced through different means.

I’ve been on vacation.  But it’s time to slowly bring myself back to my reality.  It’s kinda interesting how I begin to miss the little things, especially when these “little things” are sometimes some of the “annoying” things I’d normally complain about:

Waking up early and experiencing MOST of the day, rather than just SOME of the day.

Morning coffee.

Driving.

Keeping busy.

Shooting e-mails.

When you’re in the midst of all these activities, they become the norm.  When something becomes the norm, it becomes monotonous.  When it becomes monotonous, it becomes annoying.  When it becomes annoying, you take a break.  And when you’re tired of the break, you start the cycle all over.

Maybe that’s why people make their new year’s resolutions: add something to the cycle, and it changes things up, refreshes our lifestyle and adds a new level to our world.  Maybe?

With that, here are some of the things I’d like to do in 2009:

1.  I have a gym membership — it’s time to use it.

2.  More athletic activities.  Start running again.  Start playing tennis again.  Football at the park.  Anyone interested?

3.  Get organized.

There are lots more things I want to do, but for now, I want to start off with these.  I figure once I make a habit of keeping these three in mind, I can move on to other goals.  One step at a time.

To anyone who reads this: good luck to you all in 2009!

I’m serious.  Saying Christmas is fine.  To hell with the PC police.

I consider myself a good friend.  If things are going well, I’ll be around to share the good times.  If things aren’t going so well, I’ll be around to share the bad times.

So it’s only right that I share what I like to call “The Five Stages of Being Wifed Up” with all my blog-reading friends (Kubler-Ross model, anyone?).

First off, what’s it mean to be wifed up?  Here’s a pretty good definition, credit to Urban Dictionary:

When a man is held down or in check by a female counterpart so as to not engage in social situations with other members of the general public.

In other words — whipped.

It’s a sad sight to behold when one of your friends can’t go out with you because of the ol’ ball and chain.  Everyone in a relationship (including yours truly) can be guilty of it sometimes.  But there are people who are guilty of it ALL THE TIME.

So as a reference, here they are, the Five Stages of Being Wifed Up:

1.  Denial

Examples:

“Pfff, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m still out there hooking up with plenty of chicks.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’d never get wifed up.”

Yep — we’ve all seen the sad sight of a man denying that he’s wifed up.  Everyone else sees it, but they refuse.

2.  Anger

Examples:

“WTF?!  How the hell could this happen?!”
“All my friends are idiots!  They don’t know anything about women!”

Hey, sometimes your friend is wifing up with the right woman.  As guys, we love to poke fun at them, but in reality, there’s nothing wrong with it.  We just do it because, well, we’re guys, and it’s fun to see your friends get pissed off.  But inside, we think, “Hey, she’s alright!”

But this stage can also be pretty tough.  Sometimes, your friend is wifing up with the WRONG woman.  This is the stage when that wrong woman can use her evil powers (and yes, woman have evil powers) and turn this anger against the dude’s own friends, and convince him that they’re all the wrong people to be hanging out with.  I’ve seen it happen.  Friendships CAN end at the anger stage.

3.  Decision Time

Examples:

“God, please just throw another girl my way.  I need it.”
“I’ll do anything — I just don’t want her to think I’m REALLY serious about her!”

At this point, the guy is kinda realizing that, hey, maybe he IS getting wifed up.  He starts to wonder, “Is this really what I want?  I think she’s taking this more seriously than I am.  I’m not committed.  I need another girl.  Just one more.  Hell, I can GET another girl…right?  Do I even want another girl?  Maybe this girl is right for me.”

Many guys will stop seeing the girl at this point.  It’s decision time, and they realize that hey, maybe they’re not ready to get wifed up.  Other guys figure, ya know, I might as well, she’s pretty cool.  I’d consider this the stage where a relationship OFFICIALLY begins, i.e. boyfriend / girlfriend status, or OFFICIALLY ends.

4.  Boredom

Examples:

“Now I can’t do all the things I wanted to do.”
“Gosh, why bother even going out…I’m not going to have fun.”

I think this is the stage where the guy needs the most help from his friends.  He’s not exactly “bummed out,” but he just might not want to go out as much.  Things don’t seem as fun to him.  He feels like he can’t do anything unless his significant other is around.

Non-wifed up guys need to bring the wifed up guy back to life.

5.  Acceptance

Examples:

“Ya know, she’s a great girl.  And I can still have fun.”
“Yep, I’m wifed up.  And?”

Reaching the acceptance stage doesn’t mean that a relationship will survive forever.  What it DOES mean is that the guy does, in fact, want to be in the relationship.  And that’s a good start, I suppose.

So there you have it.  The Five Stages of Being Wifed Up.  I wonder if this applies to women, too.  Probably?

Warning: This may only be funny if you’re a nerd like me and have actually played Pokemon.

Anyways, this pretty much sums up Election ’08:

I still remember the first time we got internet at our house.  I turned on my sweet Windows 95 computer and opened up America Online (back before it got too cool for school and became “AOL” … bastards).  Some yellow dude pretended to run on the screen, my PC made a weird eeeee-ooooo-krrrrrrr-weeeeeee-boop sound, shut up for a second, and then some guy told me: “Welcome.  You’ve got mail.”

I was living in a 56k world of glory.

It was so revolutionary.  Sure, my cousins lived across the street — I could just walk over, knock on their door and say hi.  But no.  Being able to sit in my chair, send a message and realize that, HOLY CRAP, I was actually talking to them through my computer! … that was crazy.  In fact, I still remember the first IM I sent:

“Hey, go to your window and look out!”

My cousin did.  It confirmed it.  They got my message.  Un-freaking-believable.

Well…now I’m living in a new technological world.  The world of unlimited texting.  Do you know how awesome unlimited texting is?  If you don’t, it’s probably because you don’t have it, and thus, fail at life.

Honestly, there is nothing better than sending a text to a friend saying, “You’re gay.” and not having to worry about the 5 cents that cost you.  Nope.

Thus, I present you with a timeline of the most important things ever invented in the history of mankind.

1. 105 AD – Paper (the ancestor to our beloved TP)
2. 800s AD – Gunpowder (imagine a world where nothing blew up … depressing, isn’t it?)
3. 1830s – Racing Lawnmower (dude, how cool is that?)
4. 1913 – The Crossword (Sudoku’s great-grandfather)
5. 1923 – TV (without which, there would be no Sportscenter)
6. 200x or Whenever my plan says it started – Unlimited Texting

Yes.