I miss the cheesy action films & TV shows from the 80′s / early 90′s.

Back in those days, people actually had original ideas.  Sure, they were ridiculously simplistic ideas, sometimes to the point of mind-numbing stupidity … but dammit, they were original.  You really didn’t mind if the story wasn’t that great, or if the acting was a little on the sloppy side, you just wanted to be able to cheer for the protagonist.  Here’s a perfect example:

Original Idea #1 in 12 Steps

1.  Hero’s daughter is kidnapped by Villain.

2.  Villain demands that Hero kill a political target in exchange for daughter’s life.

3.  Hero agrees reluctantly, is taken aboard a plane to fly to target country.

4.  Hero escapes through some form of badassery (in this instance, killing all on-board and jumping out of plane mid-takeoff).

5.  Hero proceeds to target country.  Plane not needed.

6.  Hero kills 1,487 enemy personnel with 1 machine gun, 3 grenades, 1 knife.  Hero takes no damage.

7.  Hero’s shirt is ripped off, revealing ridiculously enlarged / oiled-up muscles.

8.  Hero flexes, yells.

9.  Hero is hurt by Villain.

10.  Just kidding, just a scratch.  Hero kills Villain in a testosterone-induced, extremely violent, man-overload.

11.  Hero hugs daughter.  Possibly kisses new love interest he’s picked up along the way.

12.  Roll credits.

Simple.  I mean, this idea was probably created in the 5 minutes it took the writers to take their morning dumps.  End result?

I mean, how can you say NO to a movie with the tagline: “Somewhere, somehow, someone’s going to pay”?  I mean, that tagline answers all important questions I had about this film:

Who?  Answer:  Someone.

What?  Answer:  Will pay.

Where?  Answer:  Somewhere.

How?  Answer: Somehow.

When?  Answer:  Whenever Arnold chooses.

Why?  Answer:  Because Arnold said so.

Commando should have won 10 Academy Awards, 5 of which needed to be created just for this movie.  If you need evidence depicting Arnold’s Best Actor-deserving performance, well here you go:

Just for the hell of it (and to further prove my point), here’s another example:

Original Idea #2 in 5 Steps

1.  Hero Trains.

2.  Hero Does Splits.

3.  Hero Fights.

4.  Hero is Blinded.

5.  Hero Still Wins.

End Result?

Bloodsport.  It’s shown over-and-over-and-over again on basic cable TV for a reason:  it’s just that good.  Words cannot convey just how manly I feel when I watch this movie.  Suffice it to say, if the movie’s protagonist, at any point in the movie, does this:

…then he should win some award.  I don’t care if they give him a certificate printed using Microsoft Publisher, a half-eaten bag of Skittles and a pair of Crocs.  Do it.

Nowadays, lots of movies are just reproductions of someone else’s idea.  Transformers = 80′s cartoon.  G.I. Joe = 80′s cartoon.  Watchmen = 80′s graphic novel.  Terminator Salvation = more Terminator.  Sometimes, it works.  It’s my guilty pleasure — I’ll bitch and moan about it, but I’ll still watch it.  But I absolutely hate it when some douchebag director decides that they can portray this iconic idea better than the original creators intended.  I mean, come on.  Here’s the G.I. Joe I grew up with:

I mean, that’s just a bunch of heroes, there.  Real American Heroes.  You’ve got Flint with his hands on his hips, showing off his ripped biceps, with an aura of good ‘ole American about him.  You’ve got Snake Eyes standing about just looking like he’s ready to put the hurt on somebody.  Roadblock is chilling in the back, wearing a camo top with a definitely-not-camo bottom, waiting to kick some anti-American ass.  Not sure what Scarlette’s doing.  And Duke is apparently all for black power.  Awesome.

As you can see, it’s a diverse bunch.  So what did the movie do?

First off, I immediately knew this movie was going to be one big pile of suck when I learned that G.I. Joe would no longer stand for “Government Issued” Joe.  Instead, G.I. Joe was now G.I.J.O.E., or “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity.”  Stupid.  Stupid * infinity.

Second … what the hell are they wearing?  I do not want my heroes saving the world while still wearing last-night’s bondage session outfit.  Go change and put on some camo, dammit.  These are the wussiest looking heroes ever.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s Cartoon Duke:

The guy is a beast.  It seems as though he’s just parachuted into Hades itself, blowing away scores of America-hating demons.  If you drank this man’s sweat, you would instantaneously grow a beard and chest hair, regardless of gender.  And now, the person they cast for the role:

Really?  This guy?  He couldn’t scare off a group of Girl Scouts trying to sell him some cookies.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen his picture up in an Abercrombie store before:

So please.  Please.  If any person in Hollywood, or anyone with any connections to people in Hollywood, reads this, do us all a favor: bring back the originality.  Stop thinking that you’re better than a classic.  You’re not.

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