Had I known that it would take longer to download an e-book from Barnes & Noble than it would to actually read the real thing, I’d probably just give up reading.

As I write this, I’m currently on hold with the B&N customer support (it’s been 15 minutes), listening to their cheesy music that sounds like it was written for Sonic the Hedgehog.  Of course, since Sonic was known for his super-speed, this music is definitely not well-received.

Ok, don’t get me wrong.  The Nook is freakin’ sweet.  It looks fantastic and feels great.  When my girlfriend told me she bought one for me as a Christmas gift, I was overjoyed!  The problem, however, seems to be that there’s nothing in place to support this thing.  It’s as if someone at B&N said, “Hey you, Pretty Lady, design an e-reader for me that looks great!”  And she did.  And they sold it.  And 1,837,028,028 people bought one.  After which, they realized, “Aw crap, we forgot to support this thing!”

Here’s a timeline of today’s Nook-related events:

9:20 am:  Log in to UPS tracking, see”Out for Delivery” as status.  Excitement Level:  6.

12:00 pm:  Eat lunch.  Think of Nook.  Think of eating lunch, while reading Nook.  Excitement Level:  8.

2:04 pm:  UPS man shows up, hands over package from B&N.  Excitement Level:  9.

2:06 pm:  Unpack Nook from packaging and finally hold it in my hands.  Excitement Level:  10.

2:15 pm:  Attempt to connect to Wi-Fi network to register.  Registration fails.  Excitement Level:  8.5.

5:25 pm:  Get home from work.  Connect to home network to register.  Registration successful.  Excitement Level:  9.

5:30 pm:  Attempt to purchase e-book.  Purchase fails.  Excitement Level:  7.

5:32 pm:  Attempt #2 to purchase e-book.  Purchase succeeds.  Excitement Level:  9.

5:35 pm:  Attempt to download e-book.  Receive message:  Queued: Will complete shortly.  “Shortly” turns into 45 minutes of nothing.  Excitement Level:  4.

6:35 pm:  Call Barnes & Noble customer support and am forwarded to Technical Department.  Placed on hold.  Excitement Level:  2.

6:36 pm:  Girlfriend, with the saddest and most disappointed look on her face, tells me that she can always return the Nook.  Excitement Level:  -20.

6:40 pm:  Download status changes to 10%.  Still on hold.  Excitement Level:  Hesitant 3.

6:50:  Download status still at 10%.  Still on hold.  Excitement Level:  -5.

7:00:  Remaining 90% of download completes in less than 1 minute.  Confusion.  Still on hold with customer support.  Excitement Level:  4.

7:16:  Current status.  Typing out this post.  Still on hold.  Sonic the Hedgehog reference made, which admittedly makes me a little excited.  Excitement Level:  5 + 2 (Sonic Bonus).

So yes.  I don’t know what the issue is, but it seems Barnes & Noble doesn’t think it’s a big deal that their system sucks.  All I know is that it took me about an hour to download my first e-book, and that as of 7:24 pm, I’m still on hold.  And I gotta take a leak.

Screw this, I’m hanging up.