Gaby got me “What’s Your Poo Telling You?: 2009 Daily Calendar.”  The item for this last weekend:

“In rare cases of intestinal obstruction, it is possible to vomit poo.  Most cases of bowel blockage occur in the small intestine (before poo is formed), but when the problem occurs in the large intestine and fecal matter cannot make its way out via the rectum, it travels in reverse into the upper GI tract and exits via the mouth.”

Freaking.  Gross.

Life’s a cycle of repeated events, experienced through different means.

I’ve been on vacation.  But it’s time to slowly bring myself back to my reality.  It’s kinda interesting how I begin to miss the little things, especially when these “little things” are sometimes some of the “annoying” things I’d normally complain about:

Waking up early and experiencing MOST of the day, rather than just SOME of the day.

Morning coffee.

Driving.

Keeping busy.

Shooting e-mails.

When you’re in the midst of all these activities, they become the norm.  When something becomes the norm, it becomes monotonous.  When it becomes monotonous, it becomes annoying.  When it becomes annoying, you take a break.  And when you’re tired of the break, you start the cycle all over.

Maybe that’s why people make their new year’s resolutions: add something to the cycle, and it changes things up, refreshes our lifestyle and adds a new level to our world.  Maybe?

With that, here are some of the things I’d like to do in 2009:

1.  I have a gym membership — it’s time to use it.

2.  More athletic activities.  Start running again.  Start playing tennis again.  Football at the park.  Anyone interested?

3.  Get organized.

There are lots more things I want to do, but for now, I want to start off with these.  I figure once I make a habit of keeping these three in mind, I can move on to other goals.  One step at a time.

To anyone who reads this: good luck to you all in 2009!

I’m serious.  Saying Christmas is fine.  To hell with the PC police.

I consider myself a good friend.  If things are going well, I’ll be around to share the good times.  If things aren’t going so well, I’ll be around to share the bad times.

So it’s only right that I share what I like to call “The Five Stages of Being Wifed Up” with all my blog-reading friends (Kubler-Ross model, anyone?).

First off, what’s it mean to be wifed up?  Here’s a pretty good definition, credit to Urban Dictionary:

When a man is held down or in check by a female counterpart so as to not engage in social situations with other members of the general public.

In other words — whipped.

It’s a sad sight to behold when one of your friends can’t go out with you because of the ol’ ball and chain.  Everyone in a relationship (including yours truly) can be guilty of it sometimes.  But there are people who are guilty of it ALL THE TIME.

So as a reference, here they are, the Five Stages of Being Wifed Up:

1.  Denial

Examples:

“Pfff, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m still out there hooking up with plenty of chicks.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’d never get wifed up.”

Yep — we’ve all seen the sad sight of a man denying that he’s wifed up.  Everyone else sees it, but they refuse.

2.  Anger

Examples:

“WTF?!  How the hell could this happen?!”
“All my friends are idiots!  They don’t know anything about women!”

Hey, sometimes your friend is wifing up with the right woman.  As guys, we love to poke fun at them, but in reality, there’s nothing wrong with it.  We just do it because, well, we’re guys, and it’s fun to see your friends get pissed off.  But inside, we think, “Hey, she’s alright!”

But this stage can also be pretty tough.  Sometimes, your friend is wifing up with the WRONG woman.  This is the stage when that wrong woman can use her evil powers (and yes, woman have evil powers) and turn this anger against the dude’s own friends, and convince him that they’re all the wrong people to be hanging out with.  I’ve seen it happen.  Friendships CAN end at the anger stage.

3.  Decision Time

Examples:

“God, please just throw another girl my way.  I need it.”
“I’ll do anything — I just don’t want her to think I’m REALLY serious about her!”

At this point, the guy is kinda realizing that, hey, maybe he IS getting wifed up.  He starts to wonder, “Is this really what I want?  I think she’s taking this more seriously than I am.  I’m not committed.  I need another girl.  Just one more.  Hell, I can GET another girl…right?  Do I even want another girl?  Maybe this girl is right for me.”

Many guys will stop seeing the girl at this point.  It’s decision time, and they realize that hey, maybe they’re not ready to get wifed up.  Other guys figure, ya know, I might as well, she’s pretty cool.  I’d consider this the stage where a relationship OFFICIALLY begins, i.e. boyfriend / girlfriend status, or OFFICIALLY ends.

4.  Boredom

Examples:

“Now I can’t do all the things I wanted to do.”
“Gosh, why bother even going out…I’m not going to have fun.”

I think this is the stage where the guy needs the most help from his friends.  He’s not exactly “bummed out,” but he just might not want to go out as much.  Things don’t seem as fun to him.  He feels like he can’t do anything unless his significant other is around.

Non-wifed up guys need to bring the wifed up guy back to life.

5.  Acceptance

Examples:

“Ya know, she’s a great girl.  And I can still have fun.”
“Yep, I’m wifed up.  And?”

Reaching the acceptance stage doesn’t mean that a relationship will survive forever.  What it DOES mean is that the guy does, in fact, want to be in the relationship.  And that’s a good start, I suppose.

So there you have it.  The Five Stages of Being Wifed Up.  I wonder if this applies to women, too.  Probably?

Stole this from Steve-Oh … great stuff.  I’ve used bold font for a lot of the important ones.  Chances are, if you’re my friend, and you’re reading this, one of these bold rules applies to you:

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during Happy Hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot:
Great, now I’m going to get drunk.
I hate shots.
It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public, and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing – urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a DJ, you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn’t play it within half an hour, don’t approach him again. If he does play it, don’t approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least 2 cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse thru all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you’re the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but, once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It’s okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams ‘Gay’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you’re broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you’re broke and a friend is “ragging on you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you’re ready for another, always say “Yes”. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “What’s good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your damn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your father, hers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.
71. It’s acceptable, traditional, in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious, and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered, and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and, either way, you’re going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86′d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget everyone of of these rules by your fifth drink.

I will let you decide if any of the bold rules apply to you.  If your name is Rod, then a minimum of 2 of these rules apply to you.

Warning: This may only be funny if you’re a nerd like me and have actually played Pokemon.

Anyways, this pretty much sums up Election ’08:

I still remember the first time we got internet at our house.  I turned on my sweet Windows 95 computer and opened up America Online (back before it got too cool for school and became “AOL” … bastards).  Some yellow dude pretended to run on the screen, my PC made a weird eeeee-ooooo-krrrrrrr-weeeeeee-boop sound, shut up for a second, and then some guy told me: “Welcome.  You’ve got mail.”

I was living in a 56k world of glory.

It was so revolutionary.  Sure, my cousins lived across the street — I could just walk over, knock on their door and say hi.  But no.  Being able to sit in my chair, send a message and realize that, HOLY CRAP, I was actually talking to them through my computer! … that was crazy.  In fact, I still remember the first IM I sent:

“Hey, go to your window and look out!”

My cousin did.  It confirmed it.  They got my message.  Un-freaking-believable.

Well…now I’m living in a new technological world.  The world of unlimited texting.  Do you know how awesome unlimited texting is?  If you don’t, it’s probably because you don’t have it, and thus, fail at life.

Honestly, there is nothing better than sending a text to a friend saying, “You’re gay.” and not having to worry about the 5 cents that cost you.  Nope.

Thus, I present you with a timeline of the most important things ever invented in the history of mankind.

1. 105 AD – Paper (the ancestor to our beloved TP)
2. 800s AD – Gunpowder (imagine a world where nothing blew up … depressing, isn’t it?)
3. 1830s – Racing Lawnmower (dude, how cool is that?)
4. 1913 – The Crossword (Sudoku’s great-grandfather)
5. 1923 – TV (without which, there would be no Sportscenter)
6. 200x or Whenever my plan says it started – Unlimited Texting

Yes.

Al, please go.  Thanks.

It’s no secret that I often question the reliability of our country’s public school system.  It’s an interesting dilemma, considering the fact that I attended public school my entire life and admittedly had no problems.  However, my personal story is by no means reflective of the system in general.  Quite frankly, I feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with entrusting the government to provide a satisfactory education for millions of young minds throughout the country … the same government that provides us with a “unique” experience at the DMV.

I came across this article today, titled “Eyebrows raised over city school policy that sets 50% as minimum score,” that describes a new policy implemented in the Pittsburgh public school system:

Pittsburgh Public Schools officials say they want to give struggling children a chance, but the district is raising eyebrows with a policy that sets 50 percent as the minimum score a student can receive for assignments, tests and other work.

The district and teachers union last week issued a joint memo to ensure staff members’ compliance with the policy, which was already on the books but enforced only at some schools. Pittsburgh Federation of Teachers President John Tarka said the policy is several years old.

While some districts use “F” as a failing grade, the city uses an “E.”

“The ‘E’ is to be recorded no lower than a 50 percent, regardless of the actual percent earned. For example, if the student earns a 20 percent on a class assignment, the grade is recorded as a 50 percent,” said the memo from Jerri Lippert, the district’s executive director of curriculum, instruction and professional development, and Mary VanHorn, a PFT vice president.

I’m really not quite sure what to make of this.  Is this indicative of our public school system in general?  Is this specific to this district, only?  Just the state?

A lot of questions.

To be honest, I personally feel that this does students no good whatsoever; in fact, I see this more as a safety net for the TEACHERS, not the students.  If I were a parent, I would rather my child receive a lower grade in his class (and be forced to partake in summer school) than to be passed and shuffled off into the next grade, having no strong foundation for the upcoming material to be learned.

I am of the opinion that school should prepare an individual for what people refer to as “the real world,” where competition and accountability are important factors to one’s success.  Math.  Science.  Reading and comprehension.  All skills needed in this “real world.”

Imagine going to work, doing nothing for eight hours, and walking away with half of your day’s wage.  We all know that would never happen — so why promote this idea in our schools?

Does this policy reward failure, or does it encourage success?