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“That guy’s a douchebag.”

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I had a great laugh today seeing what search terms have led people to Cain’s Brain.  Type in any of the following, and you just may end up on my page:

My personal favorite is “fart face”.  Though, to be fair, all the pickle searches are great, too.

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April 16, 2010

Dear Cain,

Have you ever realized just how often you respond to someone without really thinking about what you’re saying?  I call this a Memorized Response.  It’s those moments where you want to pretend like you give a damn, so you’ve put together a mental database of smart / witty / sassy responses that you think will get the job done.  And hey, sometimes they work.  Sometimes they don’t.  Usually, they don’t.  So I’ve decided to start a reference list for you.  Here are what I consider your Top 3 “You’re an Ass” Memorized Responses.

Top 3 “You’re an Ass” Memorized Responses

Scenario #1:  “It’s Going.”

Statement:  “How’s it going?”
Response:  “It’s going.”

This one sucks, because it doesn’t answer anything.  It just makes you look like a douchebag.  If someone asks you how it’s going,  they already KNOW that it’s going.  If you weren’t going, you’d be dead.  You’re not dead.  Answer the effing question.

Scenario #2:  “You, too.”

Statement:  “Thanks for shopping at _______, come again!”
Response:  “Thanks, you too.”

This one is tricky, because I know you’re trying to be polite.  But does it really hurt to listen for one extra freakin’ second to what someone is going to say?  Granted, I understand that you’re sometimes in a hurry to get back home, so you expect the cashier to say, “Thanks, have a nice day!” … in which case this response would make sense.  But geez, nothing pains me more than those 3 seconds after responding where you stand there like an idiot trying to make sense of what you just said.  You fool.

Scenario #3:  Meaningless Head Nod

(Mid-conversation)
Statement:  “Oh man, this movie was so awesome.  Remember that part where ________?”
Response:  (Nods head)
Statement:  “Yeah!  What’d you think about it?”
Response:  “Oh, what?  Oh … actually I’ve, uhh, never seen it.”

Oh, and don’t you dare nod your head through a work meeting.  Nodding ignorantly to something like, “Do you understand what you have to do?” will only lead to problems.  If you’ve never done something, don’t say you have, and if you don’t understand something, be clear about that.  Sheesh, you’re killing me here.

Anyways, I think we’ve made some progress today.  Please remember what I’ve taught you.  My hope is that this lesson will significantly reduce the damage you’re doing to me.

Muah,

Your Ego.

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