I miss the cheesy action films & TV shows from the 80′s / early 90′s.

Back in those days, people actually had original ideas.  Sure, they were ridiculously simplistic ideas, sometimes to the point of mind-numbing stupidity … but dammit, they were original.  You really didn’t mind if the story wasn’t that great, or if the acting was a little on the sloppy side, you just wanted to be able to cheer for the protagonist.  Here’s a perfect example:

Original Idea #1 in 12 Steps

1.  Hero’s daughter is kidnapped by Villain.

2.  Villain demands that Hero kill a political target in exchange for daughter’s life.

3.  Hero agrees reluctantly, is taken aboard a plane to fly to target country.

4.  Hero escapes through some form of badassery (in this instance, killing all on-board and jumping out of plane mid-takeoff).

5.  Hero proceeds to target country.  Plane not needed.

6.  Hero kills 1,487 enemy personnel with 1 machine gun, 3 grenades, 1 knife.  Hero takes no damage.

7.  Hero’s shirt is ripped off, revealing ridiculously enlarged / oiled-up muscles.

8.  Hero flexes, yells.

9.  Hero is hurt by Villain.

10.  Just kidding, just a scratch.  Hero kills Villain in a testosterone-induced, extremely violent, man-overload.

11.  Hero hugs daughter.  Possibly kisses new love interest he’s picked up along the way.

12.  Roll credits.

Simple.  I mean, this idea was probably created in the 5 minutes it took the writers to take their morning dumps.  End result?

I mean, how can you say NO to a movie with the tagline: “Somewhere, somehow, someone’s going to pay”?  I mean, that tagline answers all important questions I had about this film:

Who?  Answer:  Someone.

What?  Answer:  Will pay.

Where?  Answer:  Somewhere.

How?  Answer: Somehow.

When?  Answer:  Whenever Arnold chooses.

Why?  Answer:  Because Arnold said so.

Commando should have won 10 Academy Awards, 5 of which needed to be created just for this movie.  If you need evidence depicting Arnold’s Best Actor-deserving performance, well here you go:

Just for the hell of it (and to further prove my point), here’s another example:

Original Idea #2 in 5 Steps

1.  Hero Trains.

2.  Hero Does Splits.

3.  Hero Fights.

4.  Hero is Blinded.

5.  Hero Still Wins.

End Result?

Bloodsport.  It’s shown over-and-over-and-over again on basic cable TV for a reason:  it’s just that good.  Words cannot convey just how manly I feel when I watch this movie.  Suffice it to say, if the movie’s protagonist, at any point in the movie, does this:

…then he should win some award.  I don’t care if they give him a certificate printed using Microsoft Publisher, a half-eaten bag of Skittles and a pair of Crocs.  Do it.

Nowadays, lots of movies are just reproductions of someone else’s idea.  Transformers = 80′s cartoon.  G.I. Joe = 80′s cartoon.  Watchmen = 80′s graphic novel.  Terminator Salvation = more Terminator.  Sometimes, it works.  It’s my guilty pleasure — I’ll bitch and moan about it, but I’ll still watch it.  But I absolutely hate it when some douchebag director decides that they can portray this iconic idea better than the original creators intended.  I mean, come on.  Here’s the G.I. Joe I grew up with:

I mean, that’s just a bunch of heroes, there.  Real American Heroes.  You’ve got Flint with his hands on his hips, showing off his ripped biceps, with an aura of good ‘ole American about him.  You’ve got Snake Eyes standing about just looking like he’s ready to put the hurt on somebody.  Roadblock is chilling in the back, wearing a camo top with a definitely-not-camo bottom, waiting to kick some anti-American ass.  Not sure what Scarlette’s doing.  And Duke is apparently all for black power.  Awesome.

As you can see, it’s a diverse bunch.  So what did the movie do?

First off, I immediately knew this movie was going to be one big pile of suck when I learned that G.I. Joe would no longer stand for “Government Issued” Joe.  Instead, G.I. Joe was now G.I.J.O.E., or “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity.”  Stupid.  Stupid * infinity.

Second … what the hell are they wearing?  I do not want my heroes saving the world while still wearing last-night’s bondage session outfit.  Go change and put on some camo, dammit.  These are the wussiest looking heroes ever.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s Cartoon Duke:

The guy is a beast.  It seems as though he’s just parachuted into Hades itself, blowing away scores of America-hating demons.  If you drank this man’s sweat, you would instantaneously grow a beard and chest hair, regardless of gender.  And now, the person they cast for the role:

Really?  This guy?  He couldn’t scare off a group of Girl Scouts trying to sell him some cookies.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen his picture up in an Abercrombie store before:

So please.  Please.  If any person in Hollywood, or anyone with any connections to people in Hollywood, reads this, do us all a favor: bring back the originality.  Stop thinking that you’re better than a classic.  You’re not.

So I’m at work and open up my web browser.  Yahoo! is set as my home page … I love how they show me my teams’ sports scores, link to my fantasy teams, and post various interesting news tidbits.  Well, Yahoo! presents me with a link to an article titled “The Social Side of Obesity: You Are Who You Eat With”.  Along with this article is a picture with the caption “How obesity can be contagious” … and the picture apparently depicts obesity.  Here’s a screenshot of what I saw (click the image for a better view):

Being the not-so-intelligent guy that I am, I was naturally drawn to the picture first.  I immediately thought, “Awesome, this article must be about nice asses.  I am now interested.  Thank you, Yahoo!, for making my day a little bit more entertaining.  I shall read this.  But first, let me shift my eyes over and read what this headline has to say about ….. WHAT?! … OBESITY?!”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Do you see any “obesity”?  Cause I sure don’t.  You wanna know what I see?  One girl with no ass, and one girl with a NICE ass.  Nice ass  = obesity?!

Pffffffff, if that’s the case, then Girl #1 needs to go find herself some obesity.

Is summer really over already?

Back in May, I didn’t think I’d be asking this question, seeing as how I don’t really have a “summer.”  It’s interesting how the experience of summer as a student differs from the experience of summer as a working adult.  When Summer 2009 was approaching, I didn’t exactly look forward to months of being able to sleep in, stay up late, and do just about whatever I felt like doing.  Instead, I just figured it’d get a lot hotter when I was at work.  I knew there were a couple of things to be done over the summer (2009 Conference in Chicago, visits to LA, etc.), but most other things revolved around my everyday life: wake up, eat, shit, work, Fraternity, eat, TV, sleep.  Same ‘ole, same ‘ole.

Rewind to May or so.  Roommate told me he was moving out, meaning I either had to find another roommate or find another place (ended up finding another roommate).  Then he decided he wasn’t moving out.  Then he was, then he wasn’t.  After about a month of not knowing, he decided: he wasn’t moving out.  Despite all the confusion, I was pretty glad to know I’d be living with the same guy for another year.  I think we’ve grown accustomed to one another … The Office, Entourage, tennis / basketball, Lakers, video games, couch laziness, wine nights.  “Good start to my summer,” I thought.

Roommate also decided he was going to be traveling to Europe for some program he’d applied to (for good posts about this experience, see his blog).  I guess I was a little jealous: jealous that he had the “student summer” and the opportunity to experience something great.  I suppose that’s one of the benefits of being a teacher?  Not only that, he’d be traveling to EUROPE.  Awesome, no?  Turns out that there was just as much indecision in preparing for this trip as there was with deciding whether he’d move out or not: didn’t pack until the night before (haha, we all had a good time egging him on as he asked us different questions about things he should pack), didn’t buy some needed supplies (had to let him take my deodorant, haha), left stuff in the kitchen (finding food a month later was not that great, LOL), but the biggest thing: didn’t look for a sub-letter until about a week before his departure.  I suppose if I had to prep for a trip to Europe, I’d probably be pretty unorganized, too.  How the heck do you prepare for living in another country for more than a month?

I thought that this procrastination could only end with me having to live with a 35-year old, weird married man (which, believe it or not, was actually an option he proposed to me).  When you have 3 days to find someone to sublet, you can’t exactly be that picky.  Still, I said no … “Ain’t no way I’m settling for the first person you find.”  As it turns out, though, things ended up working out … which is what we both kind of assumed would happen.  “I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end,” we kept saying.  A day or two before Roommate left, he ended up finding a 20-something moving out to the Bay Area looking for a job.  Nice.

Those of you who’ve lived with a sub-letter know what it can be like at first.  I picked Sub-Letter up from the BART station late one night and made small talk on the way home.  I hate awkward silence, even if awkward conversation is the only alternative.  Asked where he was from, where he went to school, talked sports, etc.  I made an effort to bring the guy around to all the random things I’d do.  Went on hikes with friends.  Blakes.  Movies.  Mini-golf.  Interestingly enough, some of my friends became his friends, my drinking holes became his drinking holes, etc. … things turned out to work fairly well.

I ended up traveling to Chicago in June for a Fraternity Conference.  I hate flying, but it actually wasn’t too bad.  Watched the Dodgers play the White Sox on the Southside (Dodgers got whooped).  It was very hot.  It was very humid.  Solution?  COLD BEER!  I got sick and thought I was about to die at one point during the trip, though … but still, I had a GREAT FREAKIN’ TIME.  Definitely need to travel back to Chicago at some point.

I kept up with Roommate over the summer.  I thought it was pretty neat that I was talking to the guy while he was a world away.  I enjoyed reading his blog posts.  He’d sometimes see pictures I’d post on Facebook of Sub-Letter and I hanging out, and he’d joke he was being replaced.  I thought about that.  Is that what it looked like?  Was that actually happening?

Nah … of course not.

I can’t say one person is better than the other, or one person is a better roommate than the other.  I think I can have just as good a time with either guy.  Still, at this apartment, Roommate will always be Roommate, and Sub-letter will always be Sub-letter.  No priority given to one over another — just a title, I guess.

Still, it was funny when Roommate got back.  Immediately told my girlfriend and me that Sub-Letter must have smelled, because his sheets stank.  Being that Sub-Letter had become a good friend over the course of the summer, I didn’t exactly know how to respond.  Tried to defend Sub-Letter a bit, but mainly ignored it.  I was just glad Roommate was back and wanted to hear all the stories he had to tell (I still need to see the pictures, too).

Well, when it came up again in one of his blog posts, with a couple of other goodies, I figured I had to clear things up a bit!

1.  Had I known when roommate would get back, there would’ve been a nice welcoming celebration.  He didn’t give me a heads up, though, which did kinda suck (more for him — he got locked out!).

2.  No, Sub-Letter did not stink.  Probably had something to do with the Roommate just not being used to being back home and in his own bed (or the fact that he hadn’t washed his sheets since before his departure).

3.  Bathroom was cleaner than it was when Roommate left.  Steel wool + dirty tub that had been cleaned, but hadn’t had a good scrub down since before I moved in = “Oh, THAT’S the color it’s supposed to be!”  Also, hairy bathroom floor post-Europe = hairy bathroom floor pre-Europe (i.e. not my hair).  Haha, yeah, we’re a bit messy … but not THAT messy.

Anyways, I think Summer 2009 was a success.  I’m glad I got to travel a bit.  Glad that Roommate got a chance to do the same.  Glad to have met Sub-Letter (and that he’s now living in SF).  And now, I’m glad Roommate is back.

So here’s a quick recap of Summer 2009:

1.  Fraternity Conference in Chicago … hot / humid / fun / beer.

2.  Mini-golf … quite competitive.

3.  Grow-A-’Stache Fundraiser … success!

4.  4th of July BBQ in SF … beer.

5.  Sub-Letter … looking forward to more good times.

6.  Roommate … welcome back!

Here’s to a great 2009 – 2010!