Mustache-growing fundraiser … I’m gonna make it happen.

Here’s the idea:  for every $20 we raise as a group, we let our mustaches grow for a day.  This means that if we manage to raise $600, we let our mustaches grow for about a month.  If we raise $6k, well, we let ‘em grow for a year (haha, maybe that’s too much)!  Of course, we’d probably have to set some limit.  LOL, can you imagine if someone decided to donate $20k?  MUSTACHES FOR LIFE.

Rules

1.  Everyone starts off with a clean shave … no beard, no mustache.  Just you, baby.

2.  Once the first donation(s) come in, we’d start growing the ’stache.  You MUST shave all facial hair except for the mustache.

3.  Raise funds for a  month (minimum).

4.  Grow the mustaches for a month (minimum).

5.  Take a picture of your mustache every day.  Pictures will be posted online somewhere to track progress (maybe even on this blog).  Beautiful.

6.  Set a goal for amount of funds to be raised … $1000?

Marco suggested proceeds should be donated to Make-A-Wish Foundation … I think that’s a great idea.  I’ll try and contact them to see what’s the best way of going about this.

Anyways, I’m still in the pre-pre-pre-planning stages of this, but I’d love to get involved (and maybe even get the Fraternity involved) and raise funds for a great cause.  If you wanna join and help raise some funds while growing a nice ’stache, shoot me an e-mail or FB message.  Also, if you have suggestions or ideas on how to go about this, feel free to let me know!

Gym farts are the worst.

When I’m at the gym, there’s honestly nothing that pisses me off more than a silent sneaker wafting around, produced by some anonymous individual.  I mean, I know you’re straining and stressing when lifting weights, but it’s pretty damn easy to hold it in.

I went to the gym the other day and was laying out on an inclined bench doing some chest exercises.  There were a couple of other dudes around, minding their own business, too.  The fan was on.  Weights were clanking.  Things were fine.

Suddenly, some girls decides to grab a bench and place it about 2 feet behind my head.  “Whatever, she’s not in my way,” I thought, as she decided she would be doing some sit-ups.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, my nose was karate-chopped by the worst, foulest, gag-inducing, smelliest fart I’ve ever experienced.  If Hitler and Helen Thomas were to have a baby together, and that baby were to take a dump on your head, it probably wouldn’t even smell this bad.

My energy was literally drained.  The weights were impossible.  I looked around and saw all the other guys making “holy-shit-that-stinks” faces.  I think at one point, my heart could have quite possibly stopped (though, I can’t verify this, as this could have been a side effect of the Hitler-Thomas fart).

Now, this may not have been AS bad if the girl was at a reasonable distance from me.  Unfortunately, like I said, she was sitting about 2 feet from my head.  I’m almost positive that shit-particles found their way onto my face.  Unbelievable.  The icing on the cake?  This wretched anus of a woman was blushing like crazy, but that didn’t stop her from looking around and trying to draw everyone’s attention to her, just so she could also make the “holy-shit-that-stinks” face as if to say, “Oh, wow, do you all smell that?”

YES.  OF COURSE WE SMELL IT.  IT’S YOU.  YOUR ANUS.  WIND COMING FROM YOUR SPHINCTER.

Gym farts are the worst.

Before I begin this post, here are a couple of formulas that I’m sure are mathematically and scientifically sound:

HP Customer Support + Customer Issue = Fail

Defective Merchendise + Request for Exchange = Waste of Customer Time + Waste of Customer Money + Frustration + Loss of Future Customer(s)

HP Greed > HP’s Desire for Customer Satisfaction

Our department at work recently ordered the HP Touchsmart tx2z, a fantastic little machine that, when working, is absolutely stunning.  You can only imagine our excitement when the laptop was delivered to our office.

I opened up the box, took out the laptop, pressed the on button…

Fan turns on.  Keyboard lights blink.  Blink.  Blink.  Blink.  Nothing.

Turns out, HP delivered a defective laptop.  Bummer, but no worries, since I’ve heard great things about HP’s customer support.  Sure enough, I’m on the phone with a technician for a while, trying out different solutions, none of which get this thing to boot up for more than 5 minutes.  Give the man credit, he actually knew what he was talking about and really did help try to find out SOME solution.  However, after about an hour of trying, the laptop just decides it doesn’t want to read the HD anymore.

After having the laptop in our possession for a little more than 2 hours, it was already heading back to be repaired.  Turns out, it needed a new HD.

I’m sure you can understand my frustration when discovering that this machine your department has paid over $1000 for was DOA.  You would THINK that HP actually tests the machine prior to shipping it out in case that, well, you know, something might actually be WRONG.  But alas, they did not.

Fast forward: one week later.  We receive the repaired laptop.  I turn it on…

Fan turns on.  Blink.  Blink.  Boot!

Whoo hoo!  It’s working!  Install programs needed for work, such as the Novell client, Office, etc.  Everything is great.  Life is good.  Well, within 4 hours, the laptop suddenly decides it has no webcam.  Oh, but the best part?  The touchscreen laptop suddenly decides that, hey, it doesn’t have a touchscreen, either.  Oh, everything else is just working dandy.  But no touchscreen, and no webcam.

There is nothing worse than a laptop telling you it has no touchscreen / webcam when you’re staring right AT the touchscreen / webcam.  Driver issue?  Software issue?  I do all the logical tests.  Re-install drivers.  Did a full system recovery.

Nope.  Not working.  Rather than trying the repair center again, I decided we might as well exchange the entire unit for a new laptop, since we don’t know what the next thing on this unit to crap out will be.  And here’s where the fun begins.

Real Conversation w/HP Agent:

Me:  Hi.  This is the second time I’m calling within about a week.  The day we received the laptop, it was broken.  We had to send it in to get repaired, which it was.  Unfortunately, it decided to breakdown again a couple of hours after receiving the “repaired” item.  I think we need to exchange this, as it seems the entire unit is defective.

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK ::  Ok, well, it seems as though we can get another unit built on June 19th.

Me:  Wait a minute.  We ordered this machine on May 12.  We need this for our projects at work.  We already lost a week of time because HP sent us a defective unit.  You’re telling me we have to wait practically another MONTH to get a replacement for an item HP failed to fix?

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK ::  Ok, well, actually, the way it works, we will send you a box.  You’ll ship the laptop back to us.  When we receive it, we will start building the new one.

Me:  No.  That’s ridiculous!  How long will it take for you to ship out a box to us?

Agent:  About two days.

Me:  How long will it take for you to receive the shipment?

Agent:  About two days.

Me:  So what you’re saying, then, is that HP has essentially wasted a full week of our business’s time simply b/c they sent us a defective product in the first place?

Agent:  (Silence)

Me:  And that’s not even including the time it would take to build a new unit and send it out!  I’ve worked with several other companies before that have shipped an item w/o having to wait for the defective item to return.  Send a box and I can ship the laptop back, but you guys should start building the new unit already.

Agent:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Let me see what I can do.  :: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK :: Well, actually, there is another option we can do.  We can start production for a new laptop on June 12th.  However, this will be a new order, so we will charge your credit card again.  Once we receive the defective unit, we will give you a refund for that purchase.

Me:  What??  First off, June 12th is practically two weeks from now.  I needed the unit, like, last week.  Second, charge the CC again?  Why should we be penalized with another charge on our card just because you guys have screwed up?  You know what, let me talk to my IT department.  Chances are, they will simply want a refund.  Maybe we’ll just get a Dell, instead.  Sure, it may not be as nice, but hey, at least it will WORK.  I’ll call back later when we decide what to do.

Omg.

I simply decided I’d call the repair center again.  I asked that they replace ALL parts (HD, motherboard, memory, webcam, etc.) since it’s apparent that just about everything seems to be failing on this machine.  Turnaround time?  4-5 business days.

Hey HP, want to know what the funny thing is?  I could probably have the system rebuilt, with HP parts, under warranty, by a third party who has to order each part from HP, in 30% of the time you quoted.

Only conclusion I can make: I’m glad this was a work laptop, and not a personal purchase.  Will I ever buy something from HP?  Based on this experience, probably only if I want something that doesn’t work and don’t care that it takes 2 months to receive the order.

If I could make millions of dollars by wearing eyeliner (or I guess the term is “guy-liner” when a dude uses it), dressing in all black and playing power chords over and over, I’d be Green Day.

I mean, seriously.  I used to like these guys.  Kerplunk! was pretty good.  Dookie was the best … I remember rocking out to that CD, and I was only like 10 years old.  Insomniac and Nimrod — decent, and the only reason I like Warning was that it reminds me of high school.

So what the hell happened?

I mean, seriously.  These guys used to look just fine:

Back in the 90s, you’d see a punk band, and you’d see this.  It was expected.  But at some point, people decided that it would be a good idea to start dressing up like ridiculously-douchey douchebags.  No no, I’m talking MASSIVE quantities of douche.  When in the hell did Green Day decide that it was fine for 58 year old punk rockers (wait, how old are they again?) to throw on some clothes that tell the world, “Hey, guess what!  I slit my wrists!”

I mean…are you kidding me?  Are you serious, Billy Joe?  I mean, first off, for a guy to have such a badass name as Billy Joe, I expect you to be wearing some Levi’s, a torn-up t-shirt, possibly sporting yourself some suspenders … all while replacing your 65 Mustang’s engine using only a fork and dental floss.  It is a travesty to the Official Man-Name Laws and Regulations for you to walk around with such a name.  I’m officially demoting you.  I’m calling you Topanga from now on.  Yes, Topanga (like from Boy Meets World):

Green Day sucks.  I’m so pissed off at just how much you guys suck that I can’t even finish this post.

Sometimes, the imagination runs wild when at work.

In case you haven’t already heard, the White House had the bright idea of flying an Air Force One lookalike over parts of NY and NJ in order to update the picture on file for the plane.  Unfortunately, they forgot to alert all the people living in these places that they were gonna do this.

I’m sure you can imagine what everybody was reminded of when looking up in the sky and seeing a huge plane, flying low and very, very close to some buildings.  Here’s the final product:

Come on, White House!  This little stunt ended up costing the taxpayers over $300,000.  $300k?!  Seriously?!  You guys wanna spend $300k in order to take some snapshots of the pretty plane?  And the horrible part? : THAT’S NOT EVEN NEW YORK IN THE BACK, IT’S NEW JERSEY!

I swear, we have fools running this country.  Here, I’ll offer my services for free:

Here’s Air Force One flying over Los Angeles.  Pretty!

Here’s Air Force One flying over the Golden Gate in SF.  Amazing!

Here’s Air Force One getting ready to land in the Mushroom Kingdom.  Didn’t even know that was possible!

And finally, here’s Obama saving the world and flying Air Force One into the alien spaceship from Independence Day.  Change you can believe in!

So there you are.  Take your pick, White House.  I gave you 4 pictures (that I made in about 10 minutes), and it cost you $0.  Feel free to pay me $300k if you feel like it, though.

LOL, I told you guys I’d make use of the webcam.  I’m still a little rusty with it, so forgive all the slowness / bad camera work.  Anyways, this was my day.  Oh, and April, sorry for yelling, LOL.

I ordered a webcam.  Wanna know the inspiration?

Well, I’ve got some neighbors that like to play some instruments: trumpet, accordion, even steel drums.  A pretty decent array of musical tools, I’d say.  The problem, however, is that they sound like complete and utter garbage.  Each note is like a kick in the nuts.  I’m not joking — they’re not even playing songs.  I hear their music and expect someone to run outside, do a tribal jig, and ask the raingods for some mother-effing-rain.

Just about 30 minutes ago, they were playing, and some guy yelled out, “Shut the FUCK UP!”  So they did.  It was the sweetest silence I had ever heard.

Anyways, while sitting here listening to what I considered a musical anal raping, I thought that it would’ve been a good idea to give anyone reading this here blog the opportunity to not only listen to this abomination, but see the pain and agony on my face.

So I bought a webcam.  I’ll probably start posting videos at some point.  Ideas?

I’ve been told I’m racist. I’m not.

I’ve been told I’m facist. I’m not.

I’ve been told I’m sexist. I’m not.

I haven’t really been told I’m socialist / communist (yet). But I’m not.

However, I am definitely a blablabla-ist. If, whenever you speak to me, all I hear coming out of your mouth is “bla bla bla”, then I probably hate you.

Oh, and, just for the hell of it:

You will be missed, Woody Show.  Though my commute to work was only 2 miles and took me a whopping 10-minutes … I’m still saddened by your loss.  Those 10 minutes prepped me for my day.  Those 10 minutes were crucial to surviving (at least until lunch time).

Live 105 sucks.

Someone did set up a blog in the name of the show.  Haha, I think it’s pretty funny / clever.  You should check it out — anything to try and get that show back on the air.  =(   … click the link below.